User blog:AshlieBlake/Who the heck am I? (for lack of a better name)
I'm writing this blog post for three reasons: 1.I needed to get this out for lack of anything to say that would better express this. 2. I don't want to clutter up the Watch Out Now page with this mess and I wouldn't want to inconvience anyone by putting it there. 3. I terrified of putting myself too out there (posting this here means that only the people who actually 'seek out?' this blog post 'may read it?') Like I've said before: my shyness, though it's really starting to get old, I can't escape it. It's like being trapped somewhere, I've molded my life around it and in doing so I have created a 'monster'. I'm a mess and I've been a mess all of my life. I'm too afraid to do things and I'm afraid of being judged, even though I know you guys are nice. I joined this wiki because I saw the wonderful thing that goes on here (I used to read the comments here before I joined). All of you people are strong, confident and you have each ther's backs. When I did join, I had a problem: I am like, the shyest person in exsistance: voices fill my head and doubt enters my mind every single time that I comment or post anything. As a result I let this feeling of terror overtake me and I didn't come on for days after making my account. Then when I finally had the courage to come on a new thought entered my mind: If you introduce yourself people are going to think Why is she only introducing herself now?- which when I really think about it now was kind of irrational. So I never introduced myself. Therefore no one really knows me and I only have myself to blame for that. I always wish that I could go back and introduce myself as soon as I could... Some of you sort of know me, though. I won't say any names because- Thought: they'll be upset I even mentioned their name or they'll just think that they don't even know me that well so I'm bringing up their name in this. I have Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD, which kind of discribs my life) so I'm terrified of everyone and I hide in the shadows. I've been that way every since preschool- I don't even know how I managed to make my first friend but she's been my best friend ever since. She's introduced me to most of my other friends, she's smart, beautiful, honest and really popular which is why when we got to high school we began to grow apart. I always felt like if I was skinny and really beautiful then I could've been more popular (Thought: No one cares about your life problems-especially your 'non-internet ones'.) Lately I've been trying to 'be more spontaneous' and break down this concrete room that I've built around myself (sorry about all the weild metaphors and similes) which is why I've been trying to post comments more lately. But everytime I try after a few days I feel like, I'm hopeless, that everyone is tired of seeing your comments and I just go back under the radar again. The worst part is when I see that someone here is going through something; I wish I could reply like everyone else but I'm scared of what people will think. (I'm sorry about the damn repetition but these same thoughts go through my head several times a day). Most of the time I don't even comment at all (even though I want to) but when I do muster up enough courage to post replies they don't always come out the way I want them to, because there's like two filters in my brain: "Things that I Really Mean" and "Things that Make You Blend In." I don't use puntuation and I don't type names because then I think: They're going to wonder why you're using their names and they don't even know you. What I think people who read this are thinking about me: -She's only thinking about herself.' I guess I do think too much about myself but not in the way you'd think: I terrified of being judged, and I'm terrified of how people see me. And trust me I wish I could stop. -She just wants people to feel sorry for her. I'm not looking for pity ("Right now my mind is telling me: they'll think that you're self centred and conceited), I just needed to vent about why I am the way I am. When I post things after this I'm going to pretend like no one saw this (which is probably the case)- like I didn't just do this because if I didn't then I would probably never come back. But I want to come back because believe it or not I care about you guys (Thought: they don't know you) Maybe that's true but just because I've been silent doesn't mean I don't read what you guys have to say- I do. For you guys (Thought: No one cares), I'll keep trying to break this barrier and fight. This turned out way longer than I intened so sorry for that. Also sorry for any mistakes I made and haven't seen. Thanks for reading. Category:Blog posts